Dorisa Slays the Beast: An Epic

This picture is irrelevant to the following story,
but every post needs a picture.

Early on Monday, a tragedy occurred. I was sitting in my living room and a spider brazenly waltzed across my ceiling. Dan was sleeping so I thought the least I could do was cup him, slide cardboard under him and relocate him to spider jail on the table in the kitchen, where he knew he belonged. Dan knows the system and deals appropriately with such felons when he awakes in the morning. I refuse to use profanity on this blog, so I will simply say that the little flubber fell, evaded capture and receded into the depths of the couch. I had a freak out that was partly (mostly?) fueled by pregnancy hormones. It was not a panic attack. Having had one before, I will not use that term lightly or inappropriately. I DID end up crying, sitting in the time out chair and eating a cold toaster strudel. This all happened because it was 4 AM, I was over-tired but could not sleep, we don't have enough extra money to buy more/new furniture, the trampoline (as stated in a previous post) can only accommodate 100 pounds and for some ungodly reason the toaster didn't heat my strudel correctly. All the settings were correct, I simply don't understand how this could have happened. Man, life is really tough sometimes, isn't it?

Anyway, I went to bed to read and calm down. I talked myself into believing that when I returned in the morning, the spider would have vacated the couch and gone back to the depths of hell from which it came. Although my fear of spiders is irrational, considering I live in South Dakota anyway, I try to apply sense and rationality when not paralyzed by fear.

I have phenomenal eyesight, but only when it comes to spotting spiders. Ask me to read a road sign without my glasses? HA. This, coupled with great peripheral vision from years of dance, has given me a gift that is both a blessing and a curse: I can see all spiders.

Monday evening, another spider paraded across my ceiling. Dan dealt it a swift death. Tuesday evening YET ANOTHER spider trampled all over my ceiling. MY ceiling. This was getting obnoxious! They are organized and they are rubbing it in my face. It's like they don't even know whose house they are in. Again, execution without trial occurred. Worst part about this is that they both left spots on my pristine, newly painted ceiling. I thought to myself, "Okay, that's 2 spiders in 2 days since 'The Incident' that have been killed. There's probably some kind of reasonable possibility that one of them could have been the demon who dared tread on my couch." I  try to be sensible about these things, I really do.

After watching the X-Files movie (a classic) Dan went to bed and I resumed working on a report. I stretched out on the couch because In Utero Nelson made me and was working away, peacefully, when the mother flubbing demon couch spider stampeded across my thigh. ACROSS MY THIGH! The little flubber hung out in my couch for 68 flubbing hours only to be caught in an epic, multi-minute battle. How do you think the spider fared? Well, let's take a look at the replay, shall we?

I swished that ... thing... off my leg and leapt up faster than I remembered I could move. The game was afoot. The line between terrified and outraged was crossed and this spider's clock was ticking. It is nearly impossible to find spiders on our carpet, even for the spidey-visioned, like myself. This is not aided by our notoriously awful lighting in our living room. One must also take into account that these guys know when you are looking at them and know when to move. I found him snuckered in under one of  the seams of the couch. I put my bare foot into one of Dan's shoes (yuck) and knocked him off his crimson pedestal. I knew he wasn't dead, but he and I were now on equal ground. He had the benefit of carpet that hides everything, but he didn't know about my stellar spidey-vision. He ventured for safety under the couch, forgetting that I am a very strong, very angry pregnant lady who has the ability to move a couch. Do not underestimate me. I can move all sorts of things. Car ramps moved, couch moved once, twice. No sign of the abomination. Maybe he went back the other way. Moved the couch back. Nothing. Time to move onto the coffee table. I'm pretty sure it weighs more than the couch, but don't you dare fret, I had it covered.

Computer placed safely on the couch, the coffee table performed a spectacular version of the hokey pokey: in, out, all about. I saw the 8 legged joke of evolution disappear under the table. The dance continued. He was as good as gone. As if the planets were aligning and Dark Angel was returning to TV to give us all the satisfying ending we deserve, everything was falling into place. The furniture was back in place and I had him in my sights. He knew I could see him so he wasn't moving, but this also means that spider jail was out of the question because I couldn't go get a cup or I could lose him. This was obviously not worth the risk. I had put on my slippers after verifying that they were spider free and more importantly, realizing that my foot was in Dan's shoe and I had put it there voluntarily. After all, the slippers already had the death of at least one other spider and an earwig. What's another death on their conscience? They get replaced at Christmas anyway- they aren't long for this world. The tricky part here is that we are on carpet and although the slippers have a hard-ish sole, they're no boot. This was going to involve a great deal of force. I took all of my 150 pounds (weight gaining success!) and put it on my right foot and did what can at best be described as a sguiggling flamingo. It was pure grace.

Forgetting that I'm, let me check my phone here, 26 weeks pregnant and my body is loosening in all sorts of ways and that I don't have the ankle strength and flexibility that I used to have when I was dancing all the time, I am not without injury from my escapade. My ankle has been throbbing somewhat intensely for a long while now and since I forgot to buy an ice pack at Target the other day and I see no sense in wasting perfectly good corn, it will continue to throb until it is done. I wouldn't consider walking especially comfortable either, but I remain victorious. (Update: It has been 10 hours since this event. The situation regarding my ankle is somewhat serious and I am more than a little embarrassed.)

As for the spider- I vacuumed up the evidence and his fragments rest in peace in my vacuum with so many others who have dared cross me and suffered the same suctiony fate. It's not a total loss for the spiders and earwigs though. We have a REALLY nice vacuum.